Inadequate to be Loved

I believe that sometimes I think myself into circles, and then my thoughts just go round and round. Where they stop, nobody knows! Hopefully they come to a conclusion, and more often than not, they do. It is simply a question of how long it takes to draw these conclusions.

Tonight I was thinking of why it is sometimes intimidating to be loved or liked, simply for who we are.

I know that I am a daughter of God, that I have a divine purpose here on this earth, and that I have been blessed with many talents and characteristics that make me a unique individual. So why, knowing this, am I still in awe when someone likes me, simply for who I am? “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?”

It is when I lose sight of these things that I begin to question what others see in me. I know that I long to be around strong, confident and positive people. I try to be this person as well, but all too often, I let me nerves get shaken. It is similar to the distancing ourselves from the Lord, simply because we feel inadequate of his Love for us. We pull away, thus reducing is light in our lives.

When we pull away from the things that we want to become, we simply become less of a person, less of who we want to be, and less like God. One of the great secrets in life, as my mom has often said, is that we are happy when we follow the Lords commandments. I have noticed recently, that as I have recommitted myself to be better in my personal habits and studies that my confidence increases. Not only am I a happier person, my attitude is reflected in my workplace and the quality of what I can accomplish as well. I can sense that people enjoy being around me, and want to spend time with me.

Then I think in circles again, who am I to be so loved by others? However, were there not doubt, there would not be confidence. An opposite to all things. Sometimes an exploration of what constitutes the negative is just the prodding we need, to urge us towards the light. This is not to say that we should delve into the darkness when those feelings are upon us. I simply believe that these feelings come to push us towards the good things in life, in this world, and in heaven.

Accept the love of those around you. Enjoy and literally embrace them. To be loved…is precious and divine. Do not shirk these things, for we are here to learn from one another, and experience this life.

Love & Compassion

I have had various ideas of topics to write about, and have even started a few times, but to no avail. It's like there is this magic time, that if I have an idea, I need to write it then, and if it gets past this window of time, then *poof* it's just gone, the idea AND the desire.
So whatever this block is, I just need to get past it. Open the valve and let the words flow (as I have been told).

Everyone plays a different roll in one an others lives. Everyone is at a different point of understanding and commitment to the gospel. These things change throughout our lives as well. As my friend just told me, everyone comes into our lives for a reason. It is true, I believe this. I use to have a quote on my wall that said something to that extent. "People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a purpose."

I have had people come into my life that I knew exactly why they were there the minute I met them. What a wonderful feeling, it's like your prayer is answered before you even ask it. Other times you meet people and know they are there for a reason, but you can not for the life of you figure out why. You think about it, you ponder, you pray, yet you still can not figure out why. Yet you know there is a reason. The friends that you just enjoy and are not worried about why they are here, sometimes those are the best kind. You do not get frustrated with finding meaning, you just are, and you are yourself. No worries, no cares, just you.

The other night I went to dinner with a friend. I love talking with this friend. Always new things to think about, ponder on. We may not necessarily be able to solve the problems of the world, let along the problems in our own lives. But we talk about whatever we want, no holds barred. We may not always see eye to eye, but there is a mutual respect and understanding for one another. As well, a genuine support of each others decisions.

This friend is not so active in the church right now. That makes no difference to our friendship. I still love and care about him. He posed a question to me as we were talking. This may sound a bit blasphemous but go with me on this. Say I were the bishop, and this friend came to me, as the bishop and said "I would like to be in your ward. Not really officially, I just want to join the choir. And I'm not very interested in praying. What would you say to me, Bishop Karen?"
Like I said, I'm not a Bishop, but I am caring and compassionate person, and I know that Bishops are, or should be, as well. So this is what I said, or something like this. "I would love to have you join our choir. I would like you to participate in any way that you feel comfortable. I will respect your position on prayer, and ask that you will be respectful of others, such as if they chose to pray at choir."

Why would I say that? Where do I get my ideas from? I partially know where they come from, but watching conference today, and all of the talks on parenting, solidified my thoughts on where my opinions originated. My parents, and their example.

My family is not necessarily one that expresses our feelings to each other. I use to cringe, jokingly, when my mom hugged me. I have to make a conscious effort to tell family and friends that I love them. More so with family, only because it has not been a habit for the majority of my life. Although these feelings were not necessarily spoken, they have been shown in many different ways to me and my siblings.

The most noticeable of these towards my younger brother. When he was 19 he went on a mission, or started to. About a week before he was to leave the MTC for Portugal, he left. He left on his own. He made a decision or what he wanted to do, and did not want to do. This was a very difficult experience for my parents and siblings. My mom told me that one of the worst days of her life was the day she saw him walk off the plane after making that decision.

My parents could have responded to my brothers situation in a great variety of ways. But how they have, I believe is admirable. And how he has respected them has brought us closer, and given me respect for him as well. They all could have decided to part ways and no longer speak. They could have done many things, or said many things that could have caused hurt and pain. But they love my brother, and continue to do so. He withdrew a bit from the family, but stayed close with my older brother. He supported himself, and did what he felt he needed to.

When he came home, he would go to church, because that was the standard, what is expected of us. That was years ago. Now when he comes home, he wants to go to church, to see his friends, and those that we grew up with. We just spent 4 days as a family at Disneyland where he and I got to be the cool aunt and crazy uncle. A different reaction to his decision back then would drastically have changed our present family situation. I am so glad they chose to love him for who he is, not the decision that he made.

What's the point? Love people despite their decisions. Love people, because they should be loved. Find the wonderful traits in others. Embrace their differences, learn from them. Open your eyes and look for new possibilities. In doing so, we become better people. We broaden and deepen our personal interactions and experiences. We become more compassionate. I am a more understanding person because I try to do this. I do not claim to be perfect at it. But I do give people many many chances to show me they are good people. Do not betray me, that is another story for another time. But let's just say, my friends have got my back!